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The Story Of T'neal - A Breast Milk Baby

The Story of T'Neal - A Breast Milk Baby
Thursday 26th July 2012 9:33pm

I woke one sunny morning of March two thousand eleven to AM TV revelling in some discovery. Blurry eyed I missed most of what was going on but I got the idea that a pair of women were discussing the 'merits' of a toy doll designed to encourage prepubescent girls to practice the art of breast feeding, and the magic of motherhood.

It may well have been around the same time that the press was covering the story of Poppy, a pre-teen girl whose mother had bought her a voucher for a boob job. "I'm sure I'll hate my body when I grow in to it. There's nothing god has made, that mommy cannot fix"

To be honest, I deliberately didn't deconstruct these realities.I decided to let them play out and to see what might transpire.

As it happens Poppy gave me a great, but somewhat edgy, performance poem. But The Breast Milk Baby had so much more to offer.

So next thing I find I'm purusing their website feeling for all the world like a gruesome peadophile. I mean just look at their schmaltzy, crumby, sickenly stomach churningly BAD WebSite:

The Breast Milk Baby WebSite

On their site they tell us "The Breast Milk Baby lets young girls express their love and affection in the most natural way possible, just like mommy!". You have to believe that they used the word 'express' quite willfully. Here's a bunch that appreciate a sense of homour I thought.

So when I learnt they were holding a competition to win one of these beauties, well, I just had to didn't I?

To win I would have to make and publish about 20 videos on the subject of The Breast Milk Baby.
I somewhat obsessively made video after video just like that one, but worse, much worse. It seems the website has changed. I distinctly remember learning that it is produced by a christian fundamental family firm somewhere in the good old US of A. Without working out why - I was determined to win one of these. determined to make more videos than any one else across the globe. But it seemed everytime I released a new video Legless Loose Luise from Louisiana had another 3 hours of life in her tin can trailer posted. I didn't know until the last minute if I would succeed.

And they sent her to me. After a very cordial e-mail exchange regarding courier instructions. I was determined not to attack these poor sorry bastards, either during the interaction or else thereafter in performance.But I already knew she was to be called Little Cunt.

She came with a littlestrap-on apron with rubberisied false nipples. I almost forgot that grotesquery.

Chris was outraged and insisted she had a real name as well, so we christened her T'Neal - which I spell variously since as a father now, I really cant be arsed to remember the little cunt's name.
That's the full story. Except to say she has her own coat hooks in our flat. Here are the words to her starring piece:

Little Madam

Little cunt
Will grow up
To hate her
She'll be a disappointment
She'll be a dirty parasite
Sucking away
She'll be a member
Of the human race

You're a joke little cunt
You're a madam
You're a joke little cunt
I should say
You're a joke little cunt
You're a bad 'un
You're a joke little cunt
Your just that way

Little cunt
Will grow up
To fuck over
She'll kill him
With her love
He'll hate it
When she marries
For some punk has
Her up the duff


Little cunt
Will grow up
To be a
A princess
Some might say
She'll live down to
All expectations
For all life
Is a waste


You're a joke
Little cunt
You're just that way
You little cunt

T'Neal will be starring in "Cradle To The Grave" from the 13th to the 18th of August at the Edinburgh PBH Free Fringe Festival. 1pm daily at The Royal Oak 1 Infirmary St,SOUTH SIDE,Edinburgh,EH1

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