Ant Smith


The Essence Of Man

(60+ euphemisms)

I've got an acorn that won't grow to an oak

I've got an apple on the end of a pole

I've got a bacon bazooka mid morning snack

And a beef bayonet when I'm on the slack

I've got a cheesy cherry picker cos I sure like my fruit

I've got a clammy clam digger, but my point it is mute

I've got a didgeridoo and a divining rod

I've got the low score in the game Donkey Kong

I've got a date with old Dr Cyclops

And somewhere I think he's got an elephant's trunk

I've got a fleshy flesh maggot and an ugly glue stick

I've got a bad hairy snake but be careful he spits

I've got a hammer of Thor and a tasty hot dog

I've got an ivory shaft and a hard iron rod

I've got Jim and the twins and a Jive Sausage syringe

I've got a Komodo dragon And a kinky dingaling

I've got a luncheon meat truncheon and a love busting bludgeon

I've got a Mr Magoo and a little meat balloon

I've got a needle, a nudger, a nail and a nag

An Optimus Prime and a one-eyed Jack Flash

I've got a purple pulsating pillar of power

A piston, a poker, a pounder of flowers

I've got a pink oboe and a peanut pecker

I've got a quick shot Sam and a quivering member

I've got a root of all evil and a Russian Sputnik

I've got a staff of life and a little swizzle stick

I've got a four inch punisher and a tonsil brush

A throbbing purple pneumatic drill of love

I've got an upright citizen, an uncle Dick

A Vlad the impaler and a vicious dink

I've got a womb raider, a willy and a wick

I've got an eXcaliber, and a double X prick

I've got a yam and a yang and a tasty yoghurt slinger

I've got a wow-zowie and a mini zipper ripper

I've got the very essence of every man

But I wish, I wish, I wish

I had About a half pound of ham

Yes I've got the very essence of every man

But I wish, I wish, I wish it would

Fill my hand