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Ant Smith
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The Story of T'Neal - A Breast Milk Baby

Thursday 26th July 2012 9:33pm

I woke one sunny morning of March two thousand eleven to AM TV revelling in some discovery. Blurry eyed I missed most of what was going on but I got the idea that a pair of women were discussing the 'merits' of a toy doll designed to encourage prepubescent girls to practice the art of breast feeding, and the magic of motherhood.

It may well have been around the same time that the press was covering the story of Poppy, a pre-teen girl whose mother had bought her a voucher for a boob job. "I'm sure I'll hate my body when I grow in to it. There's nothing god has made, that mommy cannot fix"

To be honest, I deliberately didn't deconstruct these realities.I decided to let them play out and to see what might transpire.

As it happens Poppy gave me a great, but somewhat edgy, performance poem. But The Breast Milk Baby had so much more to offer.

So next thing I find I'm purusing their website feeling for all the world like a gruesome peadophile. I mean just look at their schmaltzy, crumby, sickenly stomach churningly BAD WebSite:

The Breast Milk Baby WebSite

On their site they tell us "The Breast Milk Baby lets young girls express their love and affection in the most natural way possible, just like mommy!". You have to believe that they used the word 'express' quite willfully. Here's a bunch that appreciate a sense of homour I thought.

So when I learnt they were holding a competition to win one of these beauties, well, I just had to didn't I?

To win I would have to make and publish about 20 videos on the subject of The Breast Milk Baby.

I somewhat obsessively made video after awful video. It seems the website has changed. I distinctly remember learning that it is produced by a christian fundamental family firm somewhere in the good old US of A. Without working out why - I was determined to win one of these. determined to make more videos than any one else across the globe. But it seemed everytime I released a new video Legless Loose Luise from Louisiana had another 3 hours of life in her tin can trailer posted. I didn't know until the last minute if I would succeed.

T'Neal and I

And they sent her to me. After a very cordial e-mail exchange regarding courier instructions. I was determined not to attack these poor sorry bastards, either during the interaction or else thereafter in performance.But I already knew she was to be called Little Cunt.

She came with a little strap-on apron with rubberisied false nipples. I almost forgot that grotesquery.

Chris was outraged and insisted she had a real name as well, so we christened her T'Neal - which I spell variously since as a father now, I really cant be arsed to remember the little cunt's name.

That's the full story. Except to say she has her own coat hooks in our flat. Here are the words to her starring piece:

Little Madam

Little cunt

Will grow up

To hate her


She'll be a disappointment


She'll be a dirty parasite

Sucking away

She'll be a member

Of the human race


You're a joke little cunt

You're a madam

You're a joke little cunt

I should say

You're a joke little cunt

You're a bad 'un

You're a joke little cunt

Your just that way

Little cunt

Will grow up

To fuck over


She'll kill him

With her love

He'll hate it

When she marries

For some punk has

Her up the duff


Little cunt

Will grow up

To be a


A princess

Some might say

She'll live down to

All expectations

For all life

Is a waste


You're a joke

Little cunt

You're just that way

You little cunt

T'Neal strung up

T'Neal will be starring in "Cradle To The Grave" from the 13th to the 18th of August at the Edinburgh PBH Free Fringe Festival. 1pm daily at The Royal Oak 1 Infirmary St,SOUTH SIDE,Edinburgh,EH1

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